


Small gazes into a troubled mind

by TheIceQueen



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Angst, Depression, Friendship, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Isolation, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Social Anxiety, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-11-09 06:29:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20849021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: This is very short descriptions of how one person (everyone feels this different) experience fragments of bad and good days.





	1. A day survived - (Anxiety)

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write these for a while, but I guess I needed that last push. Whumptober gave me that, which is why you will see that most of these is prompted by that.
> 
> The rest of my whumptover prompts will be fandom based. Find likns to them on my tumblr @its-me-theicequeen or look at my other works here on AO3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.1 – Shaky hands

It’s only ten minutes… Or is it?

Normally, the trip home is a little more, but breathing this fast and have wanted to be behind that door for the last eight hours, might make the walk faster. It feels so long though.

Both hands are shaking in the pockets, one desperately making sure the key is still there.

Today have been one long fight against tears and hyperventilation, but so far no one have seen. At least no one have commented. Eight hours of interaction with people; people who expect work to be done professionally and with a smile.

Will it even be possible to open the door when it’s that hard to hold on to a key inside a pocket? As long as it can be done before the levees breaks the day will be a success.


	2. Leaving home - (Social anxiety)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.4 – Human sheild

There’s only one person who knows what is going on when it’s impossible to get out of the house.

But that’s a lie: There’s no one who really knows.

But there’s one person who know what is needed to open that door on the truly bad days. The one who comes by and drives to the store. The one who talks about nothing important while putting groceries in their basket too, even though the fridge at home is already full. The one taking up the room for anxious thoughts with conversations that is always easy to be in, because it’s okay to stop mid-sentence. The person who is a shield against those dreaded unprepared meetings and small talks; who knows that they have to take over that day.

The friend who doesn’t want an explanation, but is just there if the need to explain comes, and doesn’t even have to say it. The only one who never have to be pushed away by a shield, because they never expect nothing but what they get that day.


	3. Signs of sinking - (Anxiety – Depression)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.6 – Dragged away

Everything was fine. Everything was good enough that life seemed bearable. Work was better; enjoyable sometimes. It was even possible to go home proud some days. Proud that life was on it’s way back to normal and that the day had been done in almost ease.

So, why do the thoughts come back at night?

_You’re not good enough. _

_Someday soon, they will all know. _

_They will all know that you’re a fraud who goes home and question every choice made that day. _

_That the advice you give and the leadership you show is all just made up. _

It’s not rational. All choices are made from education and experience, and when they come for help and answers, it’s because they know that they can use what they get. But it’s impossible to shake the feeling that everything is a lie. It’s impossible to fight the thoughts, getting stronger every night, that tomorrow is the day that they will all know. Humiliation will be inevitable and everything will fall apart. The stamp of mistrust will never wash off, professional or private.

After the first full night without sleep, the thoughts are convincing enough that the door handle burns at any touch.

It wasn’t sudden. It wasn’t with a violent panic attack. The distance to the outside, to normal life, became slowly longer and it was clear from the first night that this was where it was going. But there was no fighting it.


	4. Isolation - (Anxiety – Depression)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.7 – Isolation

It’s been three days. Three days so far this week. Before that there was the weekend and a whole week too.

Counting gets difficult, but it can’t be far from half a month since that door was opened for anything else than a quick trip to the store. Even that is done strategically; early in the morning when there is less people. But not on Tuesdays, were the guy next door goes into work late and does his shopping in the morning.

Home is safe. Safe from others, but not from what is the true problem. Thoughts is running a thousand times faster unspoken. Maybe that’s why talking to yourself helps. Maybe it stops the flow of horrible for a brief moment, or maybe it’s just a symptom of loneliness.


	5. A day in bed - (Depression)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #altno.6 – Lost

Today is not happening. Today is one of those days where the calendar page is missing.

Nothing past, present or future is worth thinking about. Everything brings out tears, and pulls the cover higher over the ears. Nothing has been accomplished. The years has just gone by as tears have wet one pillow after the other.

There’s nothing that can make the future any better. Everything is only getting worse. The bad days are getting to be bad weeks and it’s impossible to do anything against it. Maybe this is just how this life is. Maybe it’s never supposed to get better. Maybe it’s just not possible for everyone to keep a job and have a “normal” life.

But it seems so easy for others.

The hope for the next day to be better fades as the hours go by and only turns and sighs are proof of life.


	6. Procrastinating - (Anxiety – Depression)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #altno.9 – Hiding

Grocery shopping, shoveling snow, that movie-date with a friend from work and the previous love for hiking. It’s all so unimportant. It can wait. If today isn’t the day, maybe tomorrow will be, and suddenly it’s been days since the front door was breached except for going to work, and even that had suffered from neglect.

The food is running low. It was plain luck that everyone at work were sick last week so there was an excuse to wait, even though it was over. The hiking boots is calling in the hallway and staring sadly whenever they come into sight. By now, the snow is raised so high that it’s become impossible to walk out anyway.


	7. Those few good days - (Living with Anxiety)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.15 – Scars

Once in a while one of _those days_ come by. One of the days where the bed isn’t the only safe place. One of the days where it’s possible to remember how much fresh air, blue skies and music is the cure for everything. On those days, it doesn’t even matter if the sky isn’t blue.

Total isolation, with music in the ears, but outside. Breathing deeper, using energy with the body and not with the mind. It’s like that song; “you can find me where the music meets the water”. If there’s water or not. As long as there’s a view of living things, things moving in the wind. Things that doesn’t care about appearances, failures or conversations. As long as there is only life that doesn’t care about all the scares riddled over the body and mind. Those days, it’s possible to just be and don’t think about hiding it.

On one of those days it’s like coming up for air. One of those can temporarily hide one of the others.


	8. A bad night (Anxiety - Panic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #altno.13 – Breathless

The chest is tight and the throat is raw. It’s been four hours since the eyes were closed for more than two seconds. Still it has been impossible to see anything. It’s an hour till the day begins, but the smallest thought about it twists the lungs, so desperate heaves for air is the only sound in the spinning room.

Breathe slow; in through the nose and… the air gets stuck and after forcing it’s way through the pained throat the lungs takes over and insists on rapidly pulling in too much air over and over again.

This is one of the times, where the only way to end it is to decide for sure that there will be nothing done outside the safety of the four walls and locked door.


	9. Out of the blue - (Phobia)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.20 – Trembling

The marketplace is buzzing with people, but not packed. It’s a good day. Clear air, friends, oh yeah and the candy. The chocolate tent was amazing. Turning the corner on the way to the next tent, something is caught in the corner of the eye. Something big and yellow. Instinct compels the head to turn and in under a second everything is yellow and then black.

“Hey…?!”

The light touch of a hand barely gets any attention next to the aching chest and burning lungs.

“Where…” The air isn’t moving right, but it’s not important. The thing. Where’s the thing? Everything is moving so fast.

“Breathe, Love.”

The hand lightly on the back, attracts more attention when it starts moving in big slow circles. Breathing is still not happening. Everything hurts and soon it won’t be possible to escape on legs shaking so badly. “It’s… where…?”

“You ran over the road. It’s by the tent.”

The big white chocolate tent is far away and next to it is the yellow mascot. There’s something about faces that are hidden. Something unsettling. But so far away and still clearly busy with entertaining others, it just seems ridiculous to fear it.

“I didn’t see it I’m sorry.” A good friend holding the shaking shoulders while not blocking the view of the threat is everything anyone could want.

Air flows a bit easier and the world seems to stop swaying.

“Did I…” Four hands lagging fingers and two sets of eyes meets. “…the road?”

“Nothing happened. It’s closed.”

Everything lets go and the pavement hits back hard against the tired body that collapses on it.


	10. Stuck in a world that doesn't get it - (Mental illness)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #altno.16 – Bound

What if moving back home is the best thing to do? Be with family and have a support system of more than a roomie and colleagues. What if it’s loneliness making it impossible to get better?

But the best job _is_ this one. No doubt about it. The understanding from the management. Bosses who understand and accepts mental illness as a real thing is rare and far between. Leaving this job would mean going into “the system” with an illness not widely accepted as serious. It could make it all worse.

Maybe moving back home will make it all worse.


	11. Navigating in a world that doesn't get it - (Mental illness)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.24 – Secret injury

What is most important? Rather, what is most important to hide?   
Luckily the psychologist’s office is at the hospital. That way, it’s not a lie claiming to have an appointment at the hospital every week. Everyone, respect that. No one asks if it’s that important. If work and social life has to be planned around it.   
The physical pain shouldn’t be necessary to hide. None of it should. But the times were the mind let it be bearable to go out is few and far between. A broken bone in a foot would only add to everyone’s suspicion. The ones who knows everything, might think that it’s a hidden relapse. The ones who doesn’t know, would definitely think it’s laziness.  
So, what is most important? Disguise mental pain as physical? Or hide physical pain to keep up appearance?   
It’s simply easiest to do both.


	12. Twice as bad - (Anxiety)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.25 – Humiliation

It’s a day which would be best spend under the covers. It’s a day where looking at people hurts. But it’s also a day with a stomachache that is not like the usual I-can’t-handle-the-world-pain.

The front door is heavy and the air on the other side feels thin. The doorknob on the entrance to the waiting room is almost invisible behind tears and the wall used for support is moving in waves as the air is moving faster in and out of overworked lungs.

Explaining that this is not a normal stomachache with tears running and heaving for air isn’t easy. Explaining that the fast breathing and the crying isn’t from the pain is more difficult. Making the doctor understand that the fear is not because of the pain either, is damn near impossible.

Having a stranger trying to make everything better and calm the situation is humiliating. It should be possible to go to the doctor’s office with a stomachache as an adult without freaking out and losing control completely.


	13. Indifference - (Depression)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.29 – Numb

It’s not like it’s a conscious choice all the time; not to empty the dishwasher, skip washing day, not making dinner. The thought about doing something with the long hours briefly springs to mind when wearing the last set of pajamas while picking a bowl directly from the dishwasher and filling it with cereal. But it’s only a split second.

It’s gone as soon as the task of eating is over and the softness of the bed again takes over. When the task of eating is over. There’s no reason to do any of it, if the darkness of this room is only breached when the lowest necessities of life has to be fulfilled.


	14. New life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt:  
Whumptober 2019 #no.31 – Embrace

To be the person who cries at every song with the slightest hint to a memory, is okay. To be the person who has to leave the party for a break with the smokers even though not smoking, is fine. To be so tired from work most days, that it’s only food and sleep that counts at home, is livable; as long as food still is a part of it and it’s not every day.

The struggle with remembering is another thing. It’s difficult to keep a calendar or a journal when the first of the month always come as a surprise. Even when looking at the calendar every day. It’s essential though; if it’s not written down it will either be forgotten completely or trying to remember it will take up so much room that everything else suffers. Four alarms on the watch every day, six on workdays, to remember everything and a notebook/calendar always nearby; it gets easier to find the right tools to manage the life that was easy before the brain was fried.

Everything takes longer still. Making this new life work means considering things that never was a problem. It takes five tries to read through a page before it’s stuck, unless the right song is playing. Working in a room with others is impossible without headphones.

This new way of existing is… well, new. But it’s life and it’s working and gets easier every day.


End file.
